Dynamic Stability

When I was in college, I worked so many jobs one summer, I remember requesting to sleep on a friend’s sofa so I could get some rest in between shifts. This was because the drive home would have impacted my rest by that much! I was so caught in the moment of paying for college, and trying so hard not to go into debt while working, that I never thought about the fact that that was crazy, and I needed to slow down. I needed to take better care of myself, while still working hard. I did not stop to check in with my feelings, emotions, who I was, or where I was going. This was a theme that would follow me for my entire life – which brings me to today.

I am currently recovering from a postpartum episode because, you guessed it, I was trying to do the super mom thing. I was succeeding in a sense, and on the outside I was showing others I was fine, but I didn’t slow down enough in my life after our temporary cross country move and as my husband was taking on more and more hours at work it finally caught up with me. As a new mom of two, I was taking on more and more time alone with the kids, and BOOM, my husband and I both hit a wall. My postpartum episode was due to so many factors: mental, physical, emotional exhaustion and to cap it all off, sleep deprivation. 

Growing up, I was in a family of, “Do it yourself-ers.” I lived in a, “Pull yourself up by your bootstraps,” kind of environment for most of my early years. I always just put emphasis on getting things figured out that I didn’t stop to think what other families do, or how they operate. I had a lot of close, wonderful friends who would come along side of me without being asked, and just help and encourage when they saw I needed it. I know my family loves me and we are all learning and growing in how we help and show love. Now we continue to “can do” our way through life with some help and support from one another along the way.

I’m not saying hard work is bad or that the feat that Tom and I took on was impossible to achieve. But as with everything, there is balance, and boundaries need to be set, and help and support needs to be in place.

This post is not just about balance, it is about support too.

Support is structure, security, often something firm and helpful. Support can help you keep your balance. You know the old saying, “We used to have to walk to school, in the snow (or rain depending on your climate) with no shoes. It was almost always emphasized that it was, “Uphill, both ways.” While growing up I definitely had my basic needs met, I don’t really remember having a lot of new things. Or perhaps I didn’t remember the new things that weren’t toys because it just wasn’t as exciting?! New shoes were not something I remember receiving as a child. I wore hand-me-downs or gently used items. Which makes sense when you are growing quickly. However, even beyond grade school, I remember wearing shoes for a long time.

My shoes were with me until they were worn out, holes, etc. When my husband first met me, he was somewhat confused by my choices in footwear, to say the least. I had a collection of stilettos, sandals and worn out tennis shoes with holes. He would make sure to add that I didn’t take the winter months seriously either and would wear worn out boots until I found something ridiculously affordable to replace those boots. He wondered how my feet didn’t continually hurt, and how my feet stayed warm, dry and comfortable. Back problems eventually convinced me to give away most of my high heals, and it wasn’t until Tom and I were dating that he bought me my first pair of Merrels, which are amazing! Chewed on by our then puppy, now faithful dog, they are now missing one sole and they have mismatched shoelaces that were partially chewed! But I still wear them!

Also, after we were married I purchased my first grown up long lasting winter boots. Sorrels. Yep, I still have them!

And recently, within the last few weeks, Tom helped me pick out and buy me my first pair of shoes that cost more than fifty dollars. Yes, they were still on sale, but it felt very much like he had gone to the store ahead of time and picked them out and then the sales clerk was ready and waiting with them. That’s how sweet the entire trip to the shoe store was. To make me feel more comfortable (emotionally), he even purchased his own pair – also  on sale – but the same brand so we could match! We are both now proud owners of Hoka shoes.

All that to say, once home... I literally wore those shoes around the house for two weeks – with the tags on – because I had so much anxiety about the fit of the shoes, and the cost of them, that I was convinced I would need to return them. But because they are such quality shoes, in the process of trying to decide if I liked them, or if I needed to bring them back, I discovered a wonderful thing! These shoes say something on the side, something that I had not previously experienced in a shoe, and that I was experiencing in a real way, “Dynamic Stability.” It was written on the side of the shoe.

Dynamic stability. Music to my tired, exhausted worn out ears, body, mind and even soul.

So, what is dynamic stability? And why is it so important? Well, in my new shoes, it felt like being able to climb stairs, get down to play with and help my toddler, scoop up a screaming three month old, and still have enough left in me to stand at the sink on the hard floor... Because I had good, solid support beneath my feet.

As we are recovering from a move now back across the country; trying to re-settle in and beginning the challenging emotional healing process of processing a miscarriage the year prior; a new family member born just months before a traumatic postpartum episode that separated me from my family for two weeks; and a business venture that we thought was our dream come true, now a past goal. Additionally we are investigating how to start a farm, purchasing chickens and the prospect of renting or owning a new piece of land to homestead after selling our first home of just five years. Everything happened in the same three month period, and we were exhausted from the struggle.

I always used the phrase, “good foundation” with my husband and I, to describe our relationship. I had seen it as something that you build. That you can achieve, not something that is there to help, all ready for you that you just HAVE. But these shoes caused me to really see it from a new angle. A good foundation beneath your feet in a real way can help you to ACHIEVE more, if your foundation is WITH you — in your shoes — you can carry it wherever you go. And you don’t necessarily have to find your home when you feel at home in what you already have, and where you already are.

There is an episode of Modern Family where Gloria is walking around Disneyland with her stilettos on. A situation I can relate to in the sense that I used to work part time in retail and I would race around the store in my heels. I never thought anything of it. 

Interestingly, Gloria is challenged by her husband Jay, to try on something a little more comfortable. Jay even goes so far as to suggest that what she wears on her feet may affect her mood. And if what is on her feet is more comfortable, that her mood may be more pleasant too. 

In a sense, my husband convinced me of this as the years have gone on, that comfort can be a way to achieve more of what you need to do. In my case, comfortable shoes, in Gloria’s case, a pair of Disney slippers.

When you expect life, or your shoes to be uncomfortable, you don’t realize that the very expression on your face and your attitude can change for the worse. But when you expect good in life, or comfort, your attitude changes with that expectation. Shoes and attitude, who would have thought?! How we think can even affect the expression on our face.

When I had my postpartum episodes we were in a new place with minimal support from friends and family. So little is known about postpartum episodes, and as I was beginning to show signs of it, no one knew what it was or how to help.  And because I was not in a good place emotionally, the support I was offered, I didn’t know I needed it until it was too late. I even forgot how to ask for help in the midst of the struggles.

While expecting perfection from myself, I did not reach out. And if I did reach out I was not always given the responses I had hopped for, and so I shut down.

Going forward, I will choose to recognize my limitations and ask for help when necessary. I will choose dynamic stability as a lifestyle and I will choose support to surround us in our journey in search of a home. Once we decide where we are going to start our farm, I will, every day, choose gratitude for where we have come from, and what we are trying to achieve.

I will take off the super mom cape, wear an, “I can do it with help” apron and lace up my favorite shoes or boots and get the job done.

Nothing needs to be perfect and help can come in many forms. And it’s always ok to ask. No matter what!